You Don’t Have to Walk Through Every Open Door
Recovery is nuanced.
Recovery is probably one of the most difficult challenges some people will go through. To put it lightly, it’s tough sh*t. And I’ve noticed recovery can be hard to define since it’s such a unique process tailored to the person going through it. Whether it’s overcoming chemical addiction, self-harm, an eating disorder, or any other change in thinking and doing - the process is likely going to involve separating yourself from old friends, habits, situations, and any other potential risk factors for relapse.
There are a lot of definitions to choose from when we try to describe the recovery process and some may choose not to identify with the word at all. The definition that I’ve grown to appreciate is:
Recovery is coming home - or repossessing the home within ourselves that once had an unwelcomed tenant. That means when we walk back through that door we must be ready, willing, and able to undo the damage caused by the tenant we just evicted instead of settling into their destruction and calling it home.
And recovery provides the opportunity to rebuild our home and finally decorate it in a way that’s authentic to ourselves. Dingy walls can be repainted and covered in band posters from Hot Topic. Broken furniture can be replaced with that hot pink couch you’ve always wanted. You even get the chance to pick the soundtrack in the background without having to hear anyone else’s input while you’re reconstructing your home to finally reflect the person you’ve worked hard to become.
Recovery is also installing a security system.
For those in recovery one of the most common risks is allowing people from past relationships and friendships back into their home. Even if we’ve dedicated years to re-constructing the walls around us, they’re in vain if we don’t remember to put locks on the doors. Yet, sometimes we forget to invest that same energy into maintaining the security we’ve built within ourselves.
It’s illogical and unfair for those in recovery to put so much effort into assembling their new home and setting it up in ways that feel most authentic to them just to have the past resurface with someone who doesn’t have good intentions. Sometimes when we feel the most calm and peaceful we might get that daunting notification from social media. Or a mutual friend might deliver a message from the past that has potential to set us back. Even in our professional lives, where we can feel the most effective at times, someone can resurface and attempt to shatter the foundation we’ve built out of the confidence and courage to step into our authentic selves. Just a few messages could slowly break down the defenses you’ve built for yourself.
If we give them that power.
With each attempt to contact you the door to reconnecting with them opens a little more. Because maybe the messages they’re sending seem like they want to reconnect and heal too. Or maybe they’re trying to work toward an idea of closure. Whatever the message and intention it can be so tempting to sit back and let the door open just a little more until you decide to walk through it and leave the home you’ve worked so hard to build. Because sometimes we forget one of the most awesome parts of decisions we make in recovery - we don’t have to choose those patterns anymore.
We often confuse open doors for only opportunities. We forget sometimes the doors that open can actually still lead us back to the same places we’ve worked to avoid if we haven’t rerouted. This is one of the biggest challenges to recovery and an example of one of the many times we can be faced with two paths with drastically different destinations.
You’re allowed to leave the messages unopened. It’s okay to shut doors that don’t lead to the places you want to be - or need to be.
Sometimes silence is the loudest answer. And sometimes doors need a couple of extra locks.
You’re allowed to choose recovery over responding.
These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you are in the state of Florida and in need of therapy services you can contact me for scheduling at the link below. Outside of the state of Florida, Psychology Today is a resource that can be used to locate a therapist in your state.
