What Makes a Relationship Unsafe?

Relationships are not supposed to make us feel small & alone.

Sometimes when we’re in a relationship we want so badly for it to work that we shield ourselves from the truth. Our minds can construct walls built from fear, rationalization, self-doubt, and avoidance to block us from seeing the relationship from an honest point of view. This barrier can protect us from the truth for a while, sure. Eventually time and experience will start chipping away at it though until we can hear the truth screaming louder and louder from the other side. Once we realize the impact of disconnecting from ourselves and from the truth and realize how unsafe a relationship has been for us it’s more and more difficult to justify the pain from losing touch with ourselves while a partner continues patterns we’ve begun to recognize and accept.

One of the most common justifications I hear is, “They don’t hit me, so it can’t be that bad.” I get it, we’re raised to view abuse sometimes as something black and white, and that narrative has caused many of us to draw the line at physical abuse thinking, “I know I’ll leave a relationship if I’m hit.” That leaves out the awareness of so many other types of abuse though and leaves room for accepting unsafe relationships including emotional, mental, and other forms of abuse that are more nuanced and difficult to notice. Below are some non-physical signals that a relationship may not be safe and there can be many more. Whether you relate to signs on this list or can think of others within your relationship, please know there can be help and peace on the other side of your relationship.

Secrecy

Privacy is rooted in respect and is a healthy part of relationships. As individuals it’s typical to have pieces of ourselves that are private from another person and that don’t stem from dishonesty or violate trust. For the partners in the relationship there are also pieces of the relationship all parties may keep private for the sake of boundaries.

Secrecy is rooted in dishonesty and is a violation of trust in relationships which can also lead to danger for everyone involved. Whether this involves keeping secrets from a partner or keeping a new partner a secret, it can lead to spiritual, emotional, financial, mental, or physical destruction. Generally secrets begin as a method of avoidance in a relationship so that one partner can find relief and distraction from feelings of unhappiness then hide from that in a separate world they’ve created for themselves built on deceit, guilt, and shame.

Unfortunately these secret worlds aren’t built to house only the secret-keeper and often others are brought into this alternative life they’ve created for themselves. This secret world may house affair partners, friends that have been told about the secret life and help the secret-keeper in hiding it, or alternative identities the secret-keeper has had to develop in order to protect what they’re hiding.

Silence

Living in this separate reality leads to at least one partner being silenced to protect a relationship. When one partner asks another to keep a secret this limits each person’s freedom and ability to move throughout their daily life without restriction. Each secret becomes a new weight holding them back when they can’t seek support from others, talk freely about their personal lives without shame, or show up in the world without fear of being caught. When we’re asked to cut ourselves off from support systems and to mute ourselves in order to keep someone else’s secret we risk serious harm.

The stress of silence in these circumstances lead to serious emotional and physical effects with no outlet to seek support. The costs of the psychological trauma of silence and social isolation could be detrimental physically and while terrifying the benefits of finding a way out of this false reality is breaking that silence to open paths to support, healing, and safety.

Self-betrayal

Unfortunately it’s difficult to break out of these circumstances and often the secret-keeper and those who have been invited into their secrets continue to suffer with the internal battle of logic vs fear. Although one knows logically that the key to peace is truth, the fear of those consequences may cause them to betray themselves daily and remain silent.

For any person who values honesty, safety, trust, growth, etc . . . this will lead to daily self-betrayal while the secret-keeping holds them back from living a life based on their own values. When we’re encouraged to violate our own belief system to protect another’s secret then each day we’re forced to separate further and further from who we want to be. This inhibits growth and leaves us in a form of survival mode each time we’re faced with the truth we’re trying to avoid. If a partner has convinced another that the path to safety is staying silent about abuse, affairs, or any other circumstances that could damage their person and we feel unsafe each time we hide in their dishonesty then it becomes increasingly difficult to build trust with ourselves while knowing we can’t trust the secret-keeper either. When we’re held back from being our authentic selves we sacrifice pieces of ourselves to maintain another’s peace.

If you’re in a relationship that compromises your safety & peace it may feel impossible to escape the reality that’s been presented to you. We might have been lead to believe the truth would harm more people than it would protect and convinced that living in these secrets would protect us and so many others. You don’t have to carry the burden of someone else’s secrets to protect them from consequences though. If someone’s actions are causing danger to you or others in their life you’re allowed to maintain your beliefs and protect yourself with the truth.

You’re allowed to choose peace.

If you are in need of resources or help please know that it is available and that you deserve safety.

These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you are in the state of Florida and in need of therapy services you can contact me for scheduling at the link below. Outside of the state of Florida, Psychology Today is a resource that can be used to locate a therapist in your state.