For Some Couples Therapy Shouldn’t “Work”
Chances are, if you’ve looked into couples therapy for yourself, you’ve come across many articles that paint its doom & gloom scenery. One of the most common stereotypes is that the relationship is already damaged beyond repair when a couple makes it to the couch. So, many assume couples therapy is “ineffective.” And sure, if we measure the success/failure rate of efficacy on whether a relationship is “fixed” and the couple stays together, then the picture is pretty bleak considering the high breakup/divorce rate among couples who have attended therapy. Another perspective might paint a brighter image.
What if you changed your definition of the success rate to “each person in therapy is working toward identifying what they need in this relationship?”
From this lens, both individuals can assess the relationship and their roles in the problems they’re presenting and ultimately work toward strengthening their relationship or mindfully uncoupling. Both instances can be considered a success if it’s been agreed upon to walk away from patterns and habits that no longer serve each person in the couple - either as a unit or individually.
There are still factors that could get in the way of achieving these goals that clients and counselors should be attuned to collaboratively. Not always, but generally, if one of these is present, alternatives to couples therapy might be recommended before joining sessions as a unit.
1) Abuse & Manipulation
Not all forms of abuse are physical and obvious, presenting a problem for both client and clinician. In some cases, the clients may not be aware that one or both partners’ behaviors are abusive. An appropriately trained clinician will generally know specific behaviors to pay attention to and act accordingly. However, there are still times when covert abuse tactics are not recognized, which can provide the abuser with further leverage to monopolize and manipulate. Sometimes, a clinician could unknowingly validate and escalate hidden abuse patterns and behaviors. When tactics such as emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or reactive abuse are present individual therapy will likely take priority, as abuse is not a relationship problem for a couple to work through together.
2) Guilt & Obligation
When couples present to counseling, and one or both partners have internalized a narrative of “we should/have to/are obligated to stay together,” not much progress can be made until that narrative is unraveled. While loyalty is a typical value and generally a positive trait in a relationship, for some, loyalty is misinterpreted as remaining in a relationship out of guilt or obligation. One example is when a partner agrees to relationship milestones, they don’t want out of duty to the other partner. For instance, if your partner proposes and your initial reaction is distress or contempt because you’ve always recoiled at the idea of marriage, then saying “yes” out of obligation harms both of you. Each time you ask to delay announcing your engagement, remind your partner you want an extended engagement, or speak ill of marriage in front of them, you’re creating more wounds in the relationship. Especially if the motivation for saying yes is to somehow “repay” your partner because they likely won’t have any feelings of security beyond superficial shared possessions or empty words.
If you’re in the relationship to spare your partner’s feelings, financial stability, or because you think they’ve done too much for you to walk away, you’re causing more damage by selfishly holding both of you back out of fear.
Growth in the relationship will remain stagnant until both parties understand this is the narrative surrounding their relationship. Once they recognize that obligation is not rooted in love, trust, or respect but has shallow roots in guilt, fear, and duty, they can work together to strengthen the relationship.
3) Betrayal & Deceit
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, when ongoing betrayal is present in a relationship, it can cause a divide that prevents progress toward goals and likely will result in endless cycles with no resolution in each session.
Relationship betrayal comes in many forms - the most common being infidelity. While cheating is generally a catalyst for couples seeking therapy, very little progress can be made if a secret relationship continues. Further, if the relationship has ended, but the unfaithful partner continues to remain dishonest after the discovery (i.e., continuing to lie about the length of the relationship, downplaying the depth, or still trying to reach out to the person behind their partner’s back) sitting on the therapy couch might be more damaging. When a partner continues to lie and deceive after an affair is discovered by falsifying certain details, minimizing, or only providing half-truths, they choose to manipulate and betray their partner daily. This could cause more hurt and despair to both parties as they stay in a thick fog of manipulation instead of walking toward a path of healing and restoration. There will be little forward movement until the unfaithful partner is ready to take accountability and provide truth over deception.
The most painful form of betrayal for some is self-betrayal. Staying with a partner whose values, beliefs, and views on relationships misalign with yours can sometimes build resentment until it eventually implodes. For example, suppose your idea of relationships is aligned with ethical non-monogamy, but your partner only feels safe in a monogamous relationship. In that case, one person will likely have to abandon their values for a relationship to develop & continue. While this can often be addressed and processed within therapy successfully, it can still cause one or both partners to lose their sense of self, leading to acting out of pain and resentment.
When these types of betrayal are present, it’s common for one partner to deliver an ultimatum which generally results in destructive impacts on the relationship. Perhaps the most damaging part is that ultimatums and their resulting fallout, such as resentment, anger, and feelings of entrapment, can’t be undone. Yet ultimatums continue to be a common “negotiation tactic” in unhealthy relationships, especially when one partner feels insecure or lacks the insight necessary to manage their needs without making demands on their partner. Typically the end result of an ultimatum is an impasse where the relationship cannot grow or move forward due to the delivering partner’s continued need for control and inability to self-regulate. Meanwhile, the receiving partner’s anger and resentment keep building, which could result in retaliation by escalating whatever behaviors led to the ultimatum initially.
Couple’s therapy can effectively teach partners how to set boundaries assertively and effectively communicate needs. However, individual therapy will likely be necessary to address the inner work needed to increase the delivering partner’s feelings of security and self-worth outside of their dependence on another person. They’ll likely need to focus on learning how to communicate without aggressive demands or whether they think it’s possible to remain in their relationship without feeling the need to control their partner’s behaviors by continued threats and ultimatums.
Couples therapy can be used to increase self-awareness, identify patterns, and work toward changing destructive behaviors. However, when we place pressure to view it as a success or failure, contingent on the couple remaining together, we devalue the process of inner work. This may hold us back from new beginnings, either in or out of the relationship. Before any of the work begins, it’s necessary for everyone involved to check in with themselves to see if any barriers could not only prevent growth in the process but could even cause more harm.
Reminder: These posts are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for individualized mental health counseling. Should you find yourself in need of a therapist please visit psychologytoday.com for resources to connect with a local provider.
