Boundaries vs. Ultimatums
When you think back to the last time you tried setting a boundary with a loved one, how loud did that conversation get?
I've worked in residential settings of mental health and substance abuse for a few years now, and I find myself having a conversation reasonably often with my clients' loved ones.
"They need help so badly, but they're so angry at me for trying to make them see it."
Lately, my follow-up question to these statements has shifted because I've been curious - was that conversation one where boundaries were set, or was an ultimatum delivered? Because it makes so much sense to me why someone would be hesitant to give up perceived freedom to surrender to living away from home and let go of all they've known. So when we're up against that, are we attacking to feel powerful, or are we trying to get in the trenches of their fight and see into their world?
Boundaries generally come from a place of protection. I think of this as an individual exploring where they end and their partner/child/loved one begins. For example, where does the responsibility lie in the context of a marriage in which one partner has an eating disorder? If the boundaries are too weak, the partner could unknowingly support the eating disorder when attempting to support their spouse, perhaps by consistently changing their routine to allow the partner to continue purging immediately following a meal. By doing so, we risk sending the message that the eating disorder will always win and can't be challenged.
On the opposite side, a partner's boundaries could be so rigid that no support is offered, which allows the eating disorder to continue existing and thriving in secrecy while sending the message, "You're alone; no one can help you."
The healthy boundary response would be to accept that while someone you love is engaging in behaviors that are harming themselves, you cannot take ownership of their behavior. Instead, you can look through the lens of how best to care for yourself as your partner learns to do the same.
Ultimatums, however, do not tend to come from an interest in authentic change or growth but rather control. They send the message, "You'll do what I say or else," and imply the other person wouldn't otherwise change. I've often noticed that ultimatums are rooted in insecurity or helplessness and are a last resort to feeling power over someone's behavior. Little work can be done when family members come into the session with power struggles until that mindset shifts. Instead of attempting to collaborate and offer support, it often results in a battle where the goal is power instead of peace. But your peace of mind shouldn't depend on issuing an ultimatum. When it does, you've already lost. There is no peace on the other side of an ultimatum. Instead, there is resentment, further distrust, and ultimately powerlessness after the realization that we've driven the person further away.
So the next time you consider a conversation in which you want change, ask yourself, "Do I want power, or do I want collaborative change?" Get curious and pay attention to the results.
Reminder: These posts are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for individualized mental health counseling.
