Allow Silence to Shout

Preserve Your Post Breakup Peace With Empowering Communication

Regardless of how recently or amicably a relationship ended communicating with a past partner may result in intense and complicated emotions. After speaking with them we may feel confused, angry, or anxious while also experiencing hope and acceptance. When we sit with these emotions fear may convince us that we’ve lost some of the peace and power we’ve gained since the relationship ended. Feeling prepared to navigate these conversations and the potential emotions can help us regain our sense of empowerment through the process. Here are some points to consider if you’re still receiving communication (expected or unexpected) from an ex-partner and want to feel empowered in your responses.

1. Decide your limits

For some, the most ideal form of post-breakup communication is silence, however in many cases that’s not a possibility. If there are shared responsibilities such as parenting, arranging care for a shared pet, or sorting out finances, then some level of communication will likely need to take place. Or both partners may share long-term friendships that include both being invited to the same events often.

For others, there may be professional responsibilities that require continued communication. This may be working for the same company or professional field which could result in shared time in meetings, events, or needing to communicate with each other directly over shared responsibilities. For some, leaving a job or industry shared with a past partner isn’t an option, so instead they choose to set limits and communicate with each other cordially when necessary.

No matter the need for continued communication, one or both partners will need to set limits how they are willing to communicate while also healing from the relationship itself.

Ex-partners that still work together or in the same field may need to remind themselves that their personal feelings toward each other don’t reflect their professional abilities. Those who must co-parent with an ex-partner could struggle with resentment that impacts their views of each other as a parent.

While our feelings in the end of a relationship are valid, each partner is still a whole person. The truth of your experiences with each other are not the truth of how you each operate outside of the relationship.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Sometimes, when relationships break, our sense of safety does as well. Within our bodies are intricate systems designed to protect and alert us in times of distress. The beginning of a relationship may feel euphoric because research indicates our brain’s reward system actually floods with dopamine - the same chemical that elevates when one uses substances such as cocaine. Then, once the high fades, chemicals such as oxytocin remain. These chemicals give us “warm and fuzzy feelings” and regulate our nervous system. In long-term relationships where both partners work toward remaining emotionally regulated, they often co-regulate and help contribute to each other’s feelings of calm.

So, when a breakup begins, and these systems send out distress signals while we’re not also experiencing the same self-soothing processes we’ve become used to - we may experience pain, despair, and grief. For some, the physical effects of a breakup may feel as intense as withdrawing from an addictive substance.

More bluntly put - that sh*t can hurt.

Try reminding yourself that you deserve compassion and softness while you heal. And that you’re the most important person who can provide that right now.

In a breakup, our inner critic may sound louder, or we may not feel equipped to battle the narrative it’s building against us. It may be hard to remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel hurt while grieving the loss of a relationship. In our search for meaning, we try analyzing events and risk believing our inner critic when it tells us that a breakup reflects our worth.

Instead, try reminding yourself that you deserve compassion and softness while you heal. And that you’re the most important person who can provide that right now. Don’t “should” yourself into feeling less worthy or try pushing through alone. Care for yourself in the same ways you would for a friend who needs you.

3. Protect Your Peace

It may feel impossible initially, but eventually, we can find peace and accept the newest version of ourselves after a relationship ends. When we invest time in self-discovery and understanding our needs, we appreciate the importance of safeguarding our inner peace. Consequently, when that sense of peace is at risk, we feel a stronger sense of urgency to prioritize our needs instead of neglecting them while catering passively to someone else's.out

So when your phone lights up with an unexpected text from an ex-partner, shared professional responsibilities require you to communicate without notice, or co-parenting requires you to respond to a sudden challenge you may feel more compelled to prioritize self-care and avoid unnecessary distressing conversations. Protecting our peace can look like ignoring unnecessary messages, recognizing when conversations are unproductive, and preserving our energy by not sending lengthy communication if the other party isn’t invested in seeing your perspective.

Our sense of comfort can also be shaken if other people in our lives continue contacting us to discuss the past relationship in ways that are unproductive or cast blame. This could be sending messages on an ex-partner’s behalf or contacting you to bring up conversations focused on the drama of your relationship in ways that are unsupportive. You’re allowed to limit or end conversations with people who don’t share your goal of healing and those who choose to stay stuck in old patterns of behavior.

The period of healing after a relationship ends can also be painful. Sometimes an unexpected message may seem as if it has the power to disrupt that process. Remember, sometimes the most powerful response is silence.

These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you are in the state of Florida and in need of therapy services you can contact me for scheduling at the link below. Outside of the state of Florida, Psychology Today is a resource that can be used to locate a therapist in your state.