The Affair Triangle

In the aftermath of an affair, it's common for all partners involved to experience distressing emotions that overshadow the narrative of their relationships.

The unknowing partner, unfaithful partner, and affair partner may all grapple with pain, confusion, and betrayal as they navigate the aftermath, untangling the web of shattered trust, unmet expectations, and lingering complexities.

The lack of understanding within the affair can lead to emotional isolation for each party involved. This isolation, however, presents an opportunity for individual healing and moving beyond a victim mentality. Taking back personal agency allows each person to actively construct their healing path, breaking free from a sense of helplessness against the circumstances.

When we step back and consider the multiple perspectives of each party in the affair triangle we may find more shared experiences that are typically overshadowed by the emotional fog that shrouds our initial reactions and perceptions. Once this lifts, a broader understanding may be revealed which could pave the way for empathy, dialogue, and ultimately, the possibility of resolution and healing. Here’s a look at some examples of common ground among all parties involved in an affair.

Yes, even the unfaithful partner might experience betrayal due to their actions. If infidelity and dishonesty goes against their core values then they are betraying themselves each day they continue the affair. This self-betrayal can negatively impact their ability to trust themselves.

Numerous studies indicate a link between partners with narcissistic traits and infidelity, suggesting that these traits may contribute to a greater likelihood of deceit and exploitative behaviors while experiencing lower levels of remorse in seeking alternative sexual partners. Many unfaithful partners utilize deceptive techniques such as gaslighting to manipulate partners into questioning themselves.

Therefore, it’s likely that the unfaithful partner has deceived both the unknowing partner and the affair partner throughout the relationship. Although these two individuals may never meet or speak with each other, it’s common to hold unrealistic views of each other, which delays healing and recovery. If each party takes a step back and considers the situation is more nuanced than it appears, they may realize that the unfaithful partner likely deceived both for quite some time and accept they probably won’t ever know the whole truth.

The unknowing partner may issue an ultimatum regarding contact with the affair partner as an attempt to regain a sense of control over the unfaithful partner’s actions. While ultimatums typically transform into unhealthy demands quickly, in this case the unknowing partner is likely trying to communicate a boundary that would benefit each party involved.

Unfortunately, unfaithful partners often continue contact with the affair partner or even prolong the affair after it has been discovered. It could potentially benefit the affair partner just as much as the other partners if the communication from the unfaithful partner ceased, especially if the unfaithful partner continues to deceive both the affair partner and the unknowing partner.

The unknowing partner should also avoid contacting the affair partner if they are truly issuing an ultimatum for healing and moving forward. Otherwise, the ultimatum may lose effectiveness, potentially reopening communication between the unfaithful and affair partners.

In cases where complete no contact is not feasible, such as working together or in the same field, setting boundaries to minimize interaction is crucial. For instance, if the unfaithful partner anticipates contact with the affair partner due to accepting a new position or promotion, they should disclose this to their primary partner before accepting the offer. If continued contact is necessary for professional reasons, transparent communication, and agreed-upon boundaries are essential to maintain trust in the primary relationship.

Choosing to maintain contact with the affair partner without disclosure constitutes an ongoing betrayal and poses a risk of continued distress for all involved. Each party in an affair benefits from clearly communicated boundaries and continued adherence to these boundaries to prevent further harm.

It’s hard to admit that someone who loves us is also willing to act in ways that hurt us. And it’s hard to admit that we’re willing to hurt the people we love.

This is often why blame gets spread across the whole affair triangle after infidelity has been discovered. The unfaithful partner throws blame at the unknowing partner for neglecting their needs. Or the unknowing partner may package up the blame and ship it outside of the relationship to the affair partner. The affair partner may blame all parties involved- including themselves - at some point based off the limited information they’ve actually been given.

Couples therapist Esther Perel encourages couples to move past the idea of a victim and perpetrator in an affair and instead engage in conversations that allow space for the nuances of infidelity. Is it possible that affairs are actually nobody’s fault?

Of course, each person may still be triggered or experience intrusive thoughts after the affair which could lead to lashing out from a place of resentment, hurt, and anger. And perhaps a no-blame approach could help each partner practice self-compassion and acceptance rather than hurling blame to allow themselves to continue portraying themselves as a victim.

Perhaps the strongest thread woven through each party’s experience after an affair is loss.

Both the unknowing partner and the affair partner are faced with a loss of their current relationship with the unfaithful partner - regardless of whether they stay together. While the relationship as a whole may persevere, each person is losing the relationship they once had and the idea of a relationship that they believed was developing.

The unfaithful partner may also be faced with the realization of how much they have disconnected from themselves in the midst of the affair.

All parties could benefit from intentionally finding time to reconnect and heal their relationship with themselves. This requires limiting or ceasing contact with some parties, an openness to understanding for all involved, and an agreement to avoid reacting with resentment and blame.

If each person is willing to take back their power and avoid constantly portraying themselves as a victim they are more likely to recover from their role in the affair and accept the empowerment that accompanies healing. If we instead allow ourselves to stagnate in the victim mindset we prolong our own suffering while giving away our power.

Healing requires a willingness to escape the cycle of bitterness, contempt, and self-pity no matter our position in the affair.

Reminder: These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy.

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