When We Hurt Others to Heal Ourselves

Pause for a moment with me.

Practice a few moments of self-awareness and review some of your actions lately - just the ones that really stand out in your memory.

Now ask yourself, “Was the source of those actions the wounded parts of me or the parts I’m working actively toward healing?”

Often when we’re experiencing moments of heightened emotions, pain, and overall turmoil we lash out at others because we cling to a hope that we’ll finally get the closure we need. Or perhaps our motivation is controlling other’s emotions to be as deep and painful as ours. Regardless of the motivation healing won’t come from constantly reinfecting the wound. 

When we choose to allow ourselves to focus so much attention on who or what wounded us we rob ourselves of the ability to move through the pain. For different reasons so many of us take this path but then sit in the middle of the road and do nothing but keep ourselves stuck.

Stuck in the cycle of “This is all their fault.”

Stuck in, “They deserve to feel worthless and hurt.”

Or stuck in, “I’m the blameless victim.”

While sitting still we choose to let an open wound continuously take on the toxicity of our thoughts and behaviors which leads to consistently re-traumatizing the wound. When we choose to stay stuck like this we refuse to accept the reality that we have a responsibility in our own suffering. Instead of making a choice to move through the pain we become our own abusers and refuse to even begin the healing process. 

We do this when we continue to go out of our way to reach out to people we perceive as “the bad guy.” We hope that by throwing all our toxicity onto another person we’ll feel lighter and healed. 

But do you? 

You might even try to to convince yourself that this is how you heal - by saying, “I finally get to say what I’ve been holding back.” 

Usually when we’re healing we don’t feel an urge to tear someone down. 

The wounded mindset leads us to forgetting the ideology of treating others with kindness. Instead we use our pain to justify behaviors that allow us to feel better short-term even at the expense of those around us. Instead of targeting the parts of ourselves that need healing, we continue to target others while we’re jaded and hurt. 

When we’re healing we accept accountability for our choices and get out of the victim mentality. We recognize our responsibility to live according to our own values and change the parts of our lives that don’t align. We accept the choices we’ve made because we understand that’s how we exist in reality instead of considering ourselves victims of it.

When we’re healing we remember the practice of empathy. We recognize that all humans are capable of going to painful & dark places and shouldn’t choose to try sending someone there with our words or behaviors. 

So the next time you find yourself fighting an urge for a behavior that feels destructive perhaps consider taking a breath and asking yourself, “How does this contribute to my healing?” Empower yourself to stop placing the control of your happiness in another person’s downfall. You may realize what situations you need to leave that are causing you harm and what parts of your life are compatible with growth and healing.

I hope you’ll soon find yourself choosing kindness for yourself and those around you over attempting to kill the kindness of others with your words and behaviors. 

Reminder: These posts are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for individualized mental health counseling. Should you find yourself in need of a therapist please visit psychologytoday.com for resources to connect with a local provider.