It’s Time to Break Up with Blame
Sometimes picking apart a scenario to assign blame gives us an illusion of control. So when there's a rupture in our relationship because of betrayal, arguments, affairs, or breakup, we may ruminate on what went wrong. We may build a case for ourselves to take all the blame, hoping for relief from the unknown and feeling a sense of closure. Or blaming the other person may give us false reassurance that we weren't responsible for the suffering in the relationship. Sometimes we may try to protect ourselves and the other person from accountability altogether by blaming and lashing out at someone outside the relationship.
Regardless of who we assign the blame to, the whole process typically only accomplishes one thing - avoidance. Focusing our mental energy on picking apart the tears in a relationship to assign blame allows us to create multiple versions of reality that likely don't exist. When we take in the bigger picture, we can see how we slow down our healing process by playing the blame game instead of confronting our pain.
Blaming Ourselves
Deep emotional connections with someone can feel so intense and enchanting that our reality becomes distorted. Without realizing it, we may idealize our partners and hold them in such high regard that we absolve them of blame and take it on ourselves instead.
Having someone on such a high pedestal isn’t fair to either person. Our partners may not feel accepted entirely - with all their faults and flaws included. Then, when they act in a way that upsets this rose-tinted view, they may quickly be thrown off the pedestal and instead viewed as a villain with only their flaws magnified. Being viewed in such extremes could result in additional pressure on the idealized partner, which may cause them to hide their flaws and conceal the truth when struggling.
This process is also unfair to the partner who idealizes the other person. They may continuously place the blame on themselves to preserve their fantastical vision of a pedestal by rejecting the idea of holding their partner accountable. Instead, this partner may subconsciously write a narrative that directs all the blame on themselves while leaving the idealized partner unscathed on their pedestal.
While it may be uncomfortable to accept, each person is responsible for their actions and whether they contribute to painful ruptures in the relationship or act in ways that create a space for safety and growth.
While it may be uncomfortable to accept, each person is responsible for their actions and whether they contribute to painful ruptures in the relationship or act in ways that create a space for safety and growth.
Blaming the Other Person
Alternatively, another common defense mechanism in relationships is placing the blame on the other person for most of the relationship's difficulties. In some relationships, a partner may focus on analyzing the partner's behaviors and motives to distract from their own faults. Or finding so much blame to put on the other person's decisions they avoid their own responsibility in the relationship struggles.
We typically blame others because we're afraid of vulnerability. Sometimes, we get a false sense of security by lashing out and blaming our partner, which allows us to avoid admitting that we've made a mistake. This avoidance serves as a shield from acknowledging our behaviors that caused our partner to feel hurt. Instead, we continue to use blame as a method of avoidance. We risk pushing our partners further away and inciting fears within them that they cannot positively contribute to the relationship.
Accepting our roles in hurting a partner may make us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. However, taking accountability and being willing to have difficult conversations can build trust in the relationship. Each partner can see that the relationship can sustain ruptures and repair instead of causing further injury.
Blaming through Scapegoating
When a betrayal occurs in a relationship and both parties refuse to take responsibility or hold each other accountable, they may resort to scapegoating as a means to avoid addressing the underlying issues within the relationship.
As illogical as it may sound, some partners find solace in avoiding accountability by joining against others such as ex-partners, friends, or family. In cases of infidelity, those in the relationship may choose to target an affair partner rather than accept accountability for the health of their relationship. This allows the partner who initiated the affair to deflect blame and the other partner to focus their hurt and anger on a person outside of the relationship. Targeting someone outside of the relationship allows the hurt partner to avoid accepting that their partner has betrayed them.
Focusing on the actions of an unrelated person and projecting blame onto them won’t promote healing in a relationship. Each time the scapegoat is brought up the betrayal wound will be reopened for both partners which creates a further setback in recovering from the betrayal itself. Instead, each partner can take time to reflect on what they need from the relationship in order to heal and strengthen the relationship.
Blame isn’t compatible with healing, no matter who we’re targeting. Whether we choose to launch the blame on ourselves, our relationships, or an outside person we’re avoiding the accountability that we need for ourselves and those around us. Instead, we can accept the situations, people, and ourselves as they are and break up with the notion that blame has to be assigned.
You’re worthy of connections rooted in empathy and awareness that give you the clarity you need to grow. You deserve relationships that don’t cause you to question your judgment.
You deserve freedom from blame.
These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you are in the state of Florida and in need of therapy services you can contact me for scheduling at the link below. Outside of the state of Florida, Psychology Today is a resource that can be used to locate a therapist in your state.
