Has Self-Improvement Become Self-Destructive?

How many goals have you been working toward this year?

Most of us probably set some goals a few months ago at the start of the year. Most of us have probably also changed those goals. Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month I’ve been seeing even more content online lately with suggestions on self-care, self-improvement, positive affirmations, stress management, and the list could just keep going. I love the month of May for obvious reasons - I think mental health is kind of a big deal. What I don’t enjoy is seeing people struggle with the information overload of all these things we “should” be doing that include very little focus on the work of just . . . accepting ourselves.

Not as a work-in-progress.

Not as an achiever or doer.

Not as an accumulation of goals and abilities.

Just humans doing their f*cking best.

We’re all capable of change, and tending to our mental health usually leads to pretty significant improvements in our lives. Our peace in relationships with friends, loved ones, and even ourselves benefits when we’ve taken the time to reflect. This awareness can guide us toward what we need to adjust in our lives and the steps to take in the process. We might even realize that we’re already equipped with everything we need to make those changes. That’s usually what counseling is about, which is why our work is focused on healing and growth over constant improvement and achievement.

Unfortunately, healing is often inhibited by the criticism that accompanies the self-improvement mindset when it leads to constant criticism or a drive for productivity. The tools intended for healing become weaponized and destructive in the wrong hands. There’s so much content available now on topics like boundaries, assertiveness, motivation, self-care, and “doing the work.” And it’s great that these conversations are becoming more common-place . . . when the tools are delivered intentionally and in ways that don’t distort the purpose. But in the wrong hands these ideas sometimes get distorted and sound wildly different.

Practice self-care at home so you’re more effective at work.

Set boundaries so you know who to cut off.

Increase your motivation so you can achieve all these goals.

Do the work so you can be the best version of yourself.

Love yourself so you can control your emotions.

We don’t heal by placing conditions on ourselves. It’s not healing to take care of ourselves for the purpose of productivity and checking off milestones. Healing isn’t formulaic or linear. It can’t be. Because healing is connecting, restoring, and accepting ourselves in multiple contexts. This can’t happen in an isolated chamber with such narrow goals focused on productivity and efficiency.

That’s why the therapy relationship is so unique. For a lot of people therapy sessions are the one of the few opportunities they’ll have to sit across from someone who isn’t evaluating them as a problem to solve or placing an expectation on them to achieve. Sure, we set goals so we can ensure our clients are getting what they need from therapy sessions. But that begins by encouraging the client to trust their intuition on what they need instead of what everyone else may be telling them they need. So when we discuss concepts like boundaries, communication, motivation, and regulation we also discuss the intention and context.

These conversations look a little different and involve shifting our perspective.

Healing & therapy don’t come with a rubric because there is not a right or wrong way to be. This is why our expectations typically aren’t aligned with reality when we set rigid boundaries or ultimatums with ourselves or other people. When our goal is to fit our humanity into an inflexible box by throwing out our values and invalidating ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Sure, for a short time we might be compliant because we fear the consequences. But long-term that box is likely to crack when it starts filling back up with resentment, fear, and discontent.

Allow yourself to heal in an open arena without confining yourself or anyone else.

Allow yourself to stop shrinking in the name of self-improvement and motivation.

Allow yourself to be a human.