Reclaiming Haunted Anniversaries

You’re here. That’s worth celebrating every damn day.

Some days will be harder when they have painful memories and emotions attached. The anniversaries of our worst days may eerily creep up on us each year and weigh us down to the point of feeling like we’ve gone backward. This anniversary effect can include a reservoir of distressing emotions, thoughts, and memories that flood on the days leading up to the anniversary of traumatic events.

As the anniversary of a traumatic event draws near, our bodies and minds may become flooded with familiar sensations and emotions, as if we are transported back to the very day it occurred. The memories replay, overwhelming us with their intensity. Amid these triggers and the effort to navigate the haunting memories, some moments hold the potential for healing and growth. There’s no roadmap for the journey of healing from these moments. However, we may already have all we need to compassionately tend to ourselves as we repair and recover more each year.

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When confronted with overwhelming emotions, one common defense mechanism is avoidance. It is natural to prefer pretending that these emotions do not exist by pushing them away or denying their impact on us. For instance, after experiencing a betrayal in a relationship, we may reject the idea that our partner's behavior was harmful, deflecting blame onto ourselves or others involved. Although this may temporarily relieve the painful emotions, maintaining such a defense becomes challenging when faced with reminders of the event.

Instead of detaching from these emotions, acknowledging and embracing them may provide more authentic relief. By paying attention and allowing ourselves to fully experience emotions without judgment or analysis, we create an opportunity for healing. This involves staying present and aware, navigating through the intensity of the emotions rather than becoming consumed by them. Through this process, we grant ourselves the space to heal and grow rather than becoming trapped in turmoil.

After experiencing trauma one of the first steps in the healing process is identifying triggers. This allows you to work together with your therapist to reclaim the power the intense emotions hold over you while rebuilding your sense of trust and safety.

It can be just as empowering to learn how to pay close attention to glimmers in your life. These are the moments that provide joy and comfort in our lives and help us re-establish our sense of self.

It is common to be consumed by fear when we anticipate an upcoming day with apprehension, knowing that it has the potential to trigger unpleasant emotions and cause them to resurface. However, if we shift our focus towards actively recognizing the positive moments in our daily lives, we can gather a repertoire of experiences to prepare ourselves. These experiences, known to provide glimmers of peace and comfort, can be planned and utilized as resources to support us during those challenging times.

For some, the healing journey can feel lonely for various reasons. We may be grieving the loss of our closest support. Or, some may choose not to share what they’ve experienced with their loved ones. For those coping with the anniversary of relationship betrayal, they still may feel detached from their support system as a result of the relationship itself.

Reconnecting after these events can be both challenging and rewarding, especially when the anniversary of that date is approaching. This connection doesn’t have to include conversations about your experiences or topics you’re not comfortable with. The most important component for most may be having the support and awareness that you’re not alone, especially on your most vulnerable days.

As anniversaries approach you’re more likely to encounter reminders. You may receive messages from someone associated with experiences of trauma or betrayal, or from people who were close to a loved one who has passed away. Or memories and dreams may become more intense. Knowing that you have someone to reach out to for connection before, after, and on that day may provide more comfort while you’re working to rebuild your trust with yourself and others around you.

If you feel discouraged that you’re experiencing difficult emotions around this time, it may be time to reflect with more self-compassion instead of getting caught in the trap of analyzing your responses. Regardless of where you are in your recovery journey, the fact that you’re choosing to show up each day deserves a celebration. It’s common to lose connection with ourselves after these experiences, so reconnecting and creating new rituals or celebrations may help strengthen our sense of self.

By creating a healing space for this process we establish a sanctuary for ourselves. We can use this space for rituals with intentions for self-compassion, forgiveness, or renewal. By establishing a new tradition each year in this space you could choose new rituals that help give you a sense of healing and rediscovering yourself.

Regardless of how you choose to cope with these experiences, the most essential piece is choosing safety and building trust with yourself to maintain it.

When you know it’s unsafe for you to communicate with people associated with past events, you’re allowed to choose your safety over responding to them. Set up your phone to only allow communication from people you trust and help you feel safe. Make a plan for what to do if someone triggering contacts you.

Or, if you’re concerned about how you’ll react to intense emotions and whether you’ll feel safe when they come up, seek help from professionals, support groups, or safe, loved ones.

As these anniversaries approach, individuals who do not prioritize your safety, personal development, and healing, and who have also experienced similar intense situations, may try to reconnect or seek reconciliation.

You’re allowed to choose what you need to protect your growth and keep yourself safe. You are not obligated to risk your safety by speaking with them and can wait until you’ve built trust with yourself to do so. It’s also okay if you never feel safe to do so.

There are so many opportunities for healing when painful days arise. You deserve to feel safe when painful anniversaries come up.

You are worthy of days brimming with radiance.

These posts are not intended as a substitute for therapy. If you are in the state of Florida and in need of therapy services you can contact me for scheduling at the link below. Outside of the state of Florida, Psychology Today is a resource that can be used to locate a therapist in your state.